Sometimes
by Shobogan
Summary: Sometimes he thinks there's something wrong with him.


**Notes:** Set before the kids enter the game.

**Warning:** Deals with bipolar disorder.

Sometimes he thinks there's something wrong with him.

It would be a relief, really. It would mean there are reasons he feels like this, reasons he can't control. It would mean it's okay that sometimes he can't just bring himself to fucking _care_ and sometimes he cares so much he can't focus on a damned fucking thing. It would mean the blistering anger and devastating doubt aren't his fault. It would mean his thoughts aren't always objective.

But he's sure that's just him being weak again. He's sure other trolls deal with this shit, and he's just bad at it. And everything he believes about himself, well, why wouldn't it be true? He's _not_ good enough and he's _not_ worth it and that's that. Nothing he does it as good as it could be, and fuck knows why anyone bothers to hang around him.

For fuck's sake, he's moping instead of working on this game. The most important game he's ever worked on, according to Aradia.

TA: ii thought you diidn't want two 2ee me.  
>AA: n0<br>AA: i d0nt want y0u t0 see me  
>AA: thats different<br>TA: look iif you  
>TA: iif it look2 bad ii don't care okay.<br>AA: that isn't  
>AA: why I c0ntacted you<br>TA: but  
>TA: okay. then why.<br>AA: d0 y0u remember the ruins  
>TA: of cour2e.<br>TA: do you 2tiill have your hat?  
>AA: pr0bably<br>TA: let me gue22. iit doe2nt matter.  
>AA: n0<br>AA: i f0und s0me c0de in the runes that im g0ing to send to y0u  
>TA: what for?<br>AA: t0 save the w0rld

They'd both been having visions of impending doom. He was used to Aradia being – optimistic, reassuring, in ways he could barely comprehend. She never quite _mocked_ his nihilism, but she didn't have much time for it either.  
>And sometimes it made him think that, just maybe, not everything would turn out for the worst.<br>This time, though…it's not just that she agrees with him. They've seen similar things before, positive and negative. But this time – this time, there's no hope in her words.  
>Of course, there's no fear, either. There's not much of anything anymore and he knows it's his fault but it can be so <em>frustrating<em>.  
>He should be able to handle it better. He can't even stop brooding about their first conversation. It blasted itself into his thinkpan and it throbs every time he talks to her.<p>

TA: ii2 it  
>TA: ii2 it really you?<br>TA: or iis thi2 2ome 2ick fucking joke of vri2ka'2?  
>AA: it's me<br>TA: how do ii know?  
>AA: y0ur very first game was ab0ut the d00med kingdoms of bees and crabs and y0u didn't like it when i called it cute<br>TA: oh god  
>TA: aradia<br>TA: ii  
>TA: ii am 2o 2orry ii diidnt know what ii wa2 doiing ii<br>TA: ii thought ii  
>AA: y0u didnt its fine<br>TA: what how could iit be FINE ii HURT you  
>AA: yes but it d0esnt matter<br>TA: of cour2e it fuckiing matters  
>TA: ii can almost remember<br>TA: you looked  
>AA: d0nt w0rry ab0ut it<br>AA: just st0p thinking about it  
>AA: its in the past<br>TA: but ii cant ii  
>TA: youre my<br>AA: it d0esnt matter

He'd never heard her say that before. She'd never let _him_ get away with saying it, that was for sure.

He's always known he didn't much, really, but –

Dammit, the _game_, fuckass.

His fingers fly across the keys, making the last adjustments. Soon he'll contact Terezi and make her Red Team's leader. Maybe this time he won't fail her.

And then it will start. Twelve fucked up kids will save the world.

He won't survive to the end, he knows.

He's not sure how he feels about that, really. His friends won't have to deal with his bullshit. He won't hear the dull shrieks of the dead. He won't ever feel too hollow to act or too hectic to think.

But he'll never get into a stupid argument with Karkat again. He'll never feel the smug satisfaction of crafting a deadly virus. He'll never finish another game just for the fun of it. He'll never play someone else's, or watch another movie, or read another book.

He'll never develop that new computer. He'll never fill his quadrants. He'll never grow up.

He'll never find out if there's more to life than feeling like this. He'll never make things right with Aradia, make things like they were.

AA: hey, ta!  
>TA: hey<br>AA: h0w are y0u feeling?  
>TA: oh, you know.<br>TA: 2ame a2 alway2.  
>AA: well we can't have that<br>TA: why not?  
>AA: because i want y0u to be happy!<br>TA: ii'm happy 2ometimes.  
>AA: when?<br>TA: when ii'm talking two you.  
>AA: y0u're so sweet, ta<br>AA: y0u don't give y0urself en0ugh credit  
>AA: y0u never did<p>

It _would_ take his impending death to realise there are some things he still enjoys. That there are some things he looks forward to despite everything. That some of Aradia's hope and will and love still exists, somewhere.

But he's still going to do it.

He's going to save his friends, and his world.

And maybe, just maybe, he's going to die happy.


End file.
